Sneaky Cop

I got pulled over on my way to work yesterday morning. For the first time in over three years, I got pulled over. On the road my house is on, no less. That close to home! Stupid 35 mph speed limit. That's way too slow, anyway. And usually with this kind of thing I would wait until just the right moment to tell my wife. Like right after I bring home flowers, or right after I get a raise or buy her a house. But this time, that was not going to be possible--she was in the car right next to me.
As I passed the stupid sneaky undercover cop car, I immediately said "crap" about 13 times. I looked to my right, and my wife was already shaking her head dissapointingly at me. She knew. I watched in my rearview mirror as the cop quickly swerved around in the middle of the road, tires squealing, not watching for oncoming traffic or caring about cars immediately behind him. He came after me as if I were some common criminal--a car thief, a murderer, or even a convenience store robber. I immediately began apologizing to my wife, even before he turned on his lights. I poured my heart out to her, professed my love for her, told her of all the happiness I had in store for us in the future, began confessing things from years past. The stone-cold gaze on her face told me that nothing I could say would change this horrendous pull-over.
As I turned onto another road, this marriage-killing cop turned on his lights. I said "crap" one final time and pulled to the side of the road. "Should I turn off the car?" I asked my wife, who was now burning a hole in the windshield with her gaze. No reply. I couldn't remember what to do in this situation. I am not a criminal! I turned off the car. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the cop get out of his pitch-black sneakymobile.
"He's coming!" I screamed. I stared at my wife, not wanting to look in the mirror again. I finally did glance to my left and nearly wet my pants when I saw the cop standing there, waiting for me to roll down my window. I did.
"License and registration, please," he said. I shakingly handed it to him.
"I pulled you over because I clocked you going 50 in a 35 back there," he said while staring at my license like a pro. The quintessential cop.
"Oh," I said.
"Any reason you were going that fast?" He asked.
"Um...just wasn't paying attention," I sullenly said. I was going to pay for that later, and not from the cop.
The cop walked back to his car and I sat in awkward silence with my wife for about ten minutes. The whole time I was praying that this would not be a ticket. My record is clean! I've never robbed a bank, never burglarized a home, never assaulted anyone. I haven't even been pulled over in more than three years! If anyone deserves a break, it's me.
After what seemed like an eternity, I watched as the cop slowly opened his door, stuck one foot out, then the other. He got out of the car in slow motion and looked up at the sky through his large shades. He pulled them off and wiped them with a handkerchief while staring in my direction. I watched as he then pulled his gun from its holster, stared down the barrel, checked the magazine, stuck the gun back in its holster. He then slowly walked towards my car. No, I'm sorry--that was from the last episode of CSI: Miami I watched.
Anyway, he came back to my car and I rolled down the window with my fingers crossed. That's not easy to do. The first words that came out of his mouth were like music to my ears.
"I'm going to do you a favor today..." he said. I smiled really big and began to say, "thank you so much, I love you," when he horribly finished his sentence with, "...and write this ticket for ten over the speed limit instead of 15." So what came out of my mouth, then, was more like, "Thaaaaaay....ok."
I then looked at my wife and my eyes narrowed, I got a stern look on my face, and I turned back to the cop and said, "You call that a favor? Listen, buddy, you wanna do me a favor, give me a warning, a slap on the wrist, and ask me to slow down. Turning a $150 ticket into a $100 ticket isn't really going to make me do freaking somersaults, ok?"
And then I looked around and realized I didn't actually say that. The cop was back in his car, waiting for me to leave, and I was just staring at a speeding ticket for $100.
So it's done. Maybe I'll pay for this ticket, maybe I won't. Most likely I will. But I have learned an important lesson from all of this. Do NOT speed with your wife in the car. It will make the process of getting a speeding ticket much, much worse.