Don't Jaw Muscles Need Exercising?

I'm getting fat. As I sit here at my computer, I am stuffing my face with Cool Ranch Doritos. (Excuse me, "Cooler Ranch." There is a difference.) I did, however, have a Subway sandwich along with it. But I don't think the bacon and ranch dressing did much for my health. I guess I really have no self-control. Did I mention I was chugging down Mountain Dew in between sentences? I've tried many things. Low calorie diet, low carb diet, low fat diet, low everythingbadforyou diet. And I get excited when I start them. Oh, yes. The first week of every single diet, I'm like Superman. You can't stop me. Three pretzels and a carrot for lunch? No problem. I'm stuffed. A garden salad with no dressing for dinner? I feel like I'm overeating. But the second week, something happens. I start slowing down, snacking between meals. By week three, I'm eating ice cream for lunch and two or three Snickers to follow a Big Mac and fries for dinner. I don't know what happens to me.
I've tried exercising. I can barely even talk about this. My wife used to really be into running, and wanted an accountability partner. So I tried running with her for a while. The first time I ever ran with her, it was around a track. By the end of that first tenth of a mile, I thought I might pass out. I was heaving as if having an asthma attack and I could barely see through the sweat pouring down my face. I think someone even dialed 911. Needless to say, my wife chose to hold herself accountable.
Just recently, my wife bought the Slim in 6 DVDs. She tried it a couple times while I watched, and I thought it didn't look too bad. I was a trooper with this one. There are three different sections of this workout, and I started with the beginner one. I stuck with it for about a week and a half, and I thought I had mastered it. I was doing good. So I went to the next video, which my wife had been on for a few days. I have never before felt like dying more than in that 45 minutes. My wife watched as I twisted and contorted my body in a way I never had before. I lost all control of bodily functions, and my temper grew worse with each new exercise those perky jerks on the video performed. Stupid smiling faces. Who the heck smiles while torturing themselves? I screamed profanities at them. Well, fake profanities, anyway. "Shut the freak up!" "Go to heck!" "Gosh dang it!" "Freaking freakers!" "OUCH!" It was as close to crying as I had ever come while exercising. After that, I never wanted to exercise again. The first video was now too boring, and I couldn't do the second one. So I stopped. I know, that doesn't even make sense to me, as I sit here writing it.
So now, I've finished my Doritos and Mountain Dew and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to come up with next to lose weight. I have an iPod now, so I'm seriously considering taking up running again once it gets a little warmer out. And maybe the week after that I'll go on a low calorie diet...and the week after that, maybe an ab routine...and the week after that, how about a low sweets diet...and the week after that...