Hanson My Pockets

I've been looking at windows lately. We need about 12 new ones in our poor old house, so we had a few people come out and present their company's windows to us. Hanson's and Wallside Windows. I'm going to take a little bit of time to talk here to talk about Hanson's windows.
First of all, when I called to set up the appointment, I was told I had to have a table and chairs at my house, and the heat and electric had to be turned on. Boy, these people are picky. Of course, I don't have a table or chairs at the house--we're in the middle of tearing it apart. So I had to find some run-down card table and use camping chairs for seating. The electric and heat are already on, but the heat is at 52, which I wasn't going to change for this joker and pay the bill that came with it. So my wife and I are waiting in our cold house for this guy to arrive. Eventually, we hear a knock on the door and I opened it to find, not one, but two guys standing there with smiling faces. But maybe I should preface this a little bit with some information about Hanson's commercials.
We see them all the time. Always the same, with the owner of the company, Brian Elias, shoving himself into every inch of the commercial, making sure everyone sees how beautiful he thinks he is. If it cuts away to, say, a WINDOW, it quickly cuts back to Brian and his beautiful features. This guy's a slimeball. You can tell by looking at him. He thinks he's gorgeous and believes everyone else thinks the same. Stupid greasy hair. Everytime I see one of his commercials, I just picture him stirring a martini, throwing his head back and belting a hefty laugh. It's like he's trying to seduce my wife through the television screen! I have to distract her everytime he comes on so she won't feel violated by his sleaze.
So anyways, these two smileys come into the house and start taking measurements. I was told on the phone that the whole process would take about an hour. After taking measurements, they pull out this binder the size of an A-K encyclopedia and slam it down on the card table. One of them is there for the talking portion, the other for support, I guess. So the first two things out of this guy's mouth are: "We don't like to put down other window companies" and "We're not those kind of loser salespeople that give you a price, then keep moving the price down until the customer's satisfied. We have one price, and we don't change it WHATSOEVER." Those were nice things to hear. I could trust these people.
So he opens his giant binder and I immediately understand why it's so big--it's filled with negative content about other companies. That was the first hour of the presentation. They pointed out every bad thing about every other company out there. Wow, when you look at it that way, Hanson's windows really are the best!
The second hour of the presentation was spent discussing how great a guy Brian Elias is. Everything I never wanted to know about anybody, they told me about their great boss. I'm almost certain they've never even met him. And they did not convince me. I can see right through that greasy little head of his. Well, not literally, because it's so full of grease, it would be impossible to see anything through it. Who cares about how Brian Elias' dad's uncle got his start and where it led Brian Elias' dad and eventually Brian Elias? Wow, Brian Elias didn't originally want to do this? He really wanted to be a fireman? Amazing! I don't care! Just show me a window and tell me how much it is!
After tutoring me on Brian Elias WAY more than I ever wanted, they finally got down to their windows. And tried to demonstrate to me another hour's worth of why their windows are the best windows ever. At one point, they were even jumping up and down on one window! One thing I thought was kind of funny--he told my wife to jump on the window and she just kind of looked at him and said "no." I wanted to laugh.
So FINALLY he pulls out his pad of paper and works the numbers. He gives it to me and it says $7500. That's way more than we imagined. BUT, contradicting himself once again, he takes off a little here and there, and gets it down to $3900. Unfortunately, I was dealing with a salesman that was not willing to change the price WHATSOEVER, so he wouldn't even take a full half off of it. However, just before I asked them to leave, they did get it down to $3200. I mean, I guess these discounts were legitimate. I received one "first visit" discount, one for guessing within $200 of the correct price, one for being willing to put a sign in my yard, got one for listening to their 3 1/2 hour presentation, one for being tall, one for having my shoes tied, and so on.
So after all I went through, all the information I was given, all the backstabbing of other companies, all the changes in cost, all the compliments and small talk they offered, I have come to a very definite decision. I'm buying my windows from Wallside.

Sneaky Cop

I got pulled over on my way to work yesterday morning. For the first time in over three years, I got pulled over. On the road my house is on, no less. That close to home! Stupid 35 mph speed limit. That's way too slow, anyway. And usually with this kind of thing I would wait until just the right moment to tell my wife. Like right after I bring home flowers, or right after I get a raise or buy her a house. But this time, that was not going to be possible--she was in the car right next to me.
As I passed the stupid sneaky undercover cop car, I immediately said "crap" about 13 times. I looked to my right, and my wife was already shaking her head dissapointingly at me. She knew. I watched in my rearview mirror as the cop quickly swerved around in the middle of the road, tires squealing, not watching for oncoming traffic or caring about cars immediately behind him. He came after me as if I were some common criminal--a car thief, a murderer, or even a convenience store robber. I immediately began apologizing to my wife, even before he turned on his lights. I poured my heart out to her, professed my love for her, told her of all the happiness I had in store for us in the future, began confessing things from years past. The stone-cold gaze on her face told me that nothing I could say would change this horrendous pull-over.
As I turned onto another road, this marriage-killing cop turned on his lights. I said "crap" one final time and pulled to the side of the road. "Should I turn off the car?" I asked my wife, who was now burning a hole in the windshield with her gaze. No reply. I couldn't remember what to do in this situation. I am not a criminal! I turned off the car. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the cop get out of his pitch-black sneakymobile.
"He's coming!" I screamed. I stared at my wife, not wanting to look in the mirror again. I finally did glance to my left and nearly wet my pants when I saw the cop standing there, waiting for me to roll down my window. I did.
"License and registration, please," he said. I shakingly handed it to him.
"I pulled you over because I clocked you going 50 in a 35 back there," he said while staring at my license like a pro. The quintessential cop.
"Oh," I said.
"Any reason you were going that fast?" He asked.
"Um...just wasn't paying attention," I sullenly said. I was going to pay for that later, and not from the cop.
The cop walked back to his car and I sat in awkward silence with my wife for about ten minutes. The whole time I was praying that this would not be a ticket. My record is clean! I've never robbed a bank, never burglarized a home, never assaulted anyone. I haven't even been pulled over in more than three years! If anyone deserves a break, it's me.
After what seemed like an eternity, I watched as the cop slowly opened his door, stuck one foot out, then the other. He got out of the car in slow motion and looked up at the sky through his large shades. He pulled them off and wiped them with a handkerchief while staring in my direction. I watched as he then pulled his gun from its holster, stared down the barrel, checked the magazine, stuck the gun back in its holster. He then slowly walked towards my car. No, I'm sorry--that was from the last episode of CSI: Miami I watched.
Anyway, he came back to my car and I rolled down the window with my fingers crossed. That's not easy to do. The first words that came out of his mouth were like music to my ears.
"I'm going to do you a favor today..." he said. I smiled really big and began to say, "thank you so much, I love you," when he horribly finished his sentence with, "...and write this ticket for ten over the speed limit instead of 15." So what came out of my mouth, then, was more like, "Thaaaaaay....ok."
I then looked at my wife and my eyes narrowed, I got a stern look on my face, and I turned back to the cop and said, "You call that a favor? Listen, buddy, you wanna do me a favor, give me a warning, a slap on the wrist, and ask me to slow down. Turning a $150 ticket into a $100 ticket isn't really going to make me do freaking somersaults, ok?"
And then I looked around and realized I didn't actually say that. The cop was back in his car, waiting for me to leave, and I was just staring at a speeding ticket for $100.
So it's done. Maybe I'll pay for this ticket, maybe I won't. Most likely I will. But I have learned an important lesson from all of this. Do NOT speed with your wife in the car. It will make the process of getting a speeding ticket much, much worse.

Don't Jaw Muscles Need Exercising?

I'm getting fat. As I sit here at my computer, I am stuffing my face with Cool Ranch Doritos. (Excuse me, "Cooler Ranch." There is a difference.) I did, however, have a Subway sandwich along with it. But I don't think the bacon and ranch dressing did much for my health. I guess I really have no self-control. Did I mention I was chugging down Mountain Dew in between sentences? I've tried many things. Low calorie diet, low carb diet, low fat diet, low everythingbadforyou diet. And I get excited when I start them. Oh, yes. The first week of every single diet, I'm like Superman. You can't stop me. Three pretzels and a carrot for lunch? No problem. I'm stuffed. A garden salad with no dressing for dinner? I feel like I'm overeating. But the second week, something happens. I start slowing down, snacking between meals. By week three, I'm eating ice cream for lunch and two or three Snickers to follow a Big Mac and fries for dinner. I don't know what happens to me.
I've tried exercising. I can barely even talk about this. My wife used to really be into running, and wanted an accountability partner. So I tried running with her for a while. The first time I ever ran with her, it was around a track. By the end of that first tenth of a mile, I thought I might pass out. I was heaving as if having an asthma attack and I could barely see through the sweat pouring down my face. I think someone even dialed 911. Needless to say, my wife chose to hold herself accountable.
Just recently, my wife bought the Slim in 6 DVDs. She tried it a couple times while I watched, and I thought it didn't look too bad. I was a trooper with this one. There are three different sections of this workout, and I started with the beginner one. I stuck with it for about a week and a half, and I thought I had mastered it. I was doing good. So I went to the next video, which my wife had been on for a few days. I have never before felt like dying more than in that 45 minutes. My wife watched as I twisted and contorted my body in a way I never had before. I lost all control of bodily functions, and my temper grew worse with each new exercise those perky jerks on the video performed. Stupid smiling faces. Who the heck smiles while torturing themselves? I screamed profanities at them. Well, fake profanities, anyway. "Shut the freak up!" "Go to heck!" "Gosh dang it!" "Freaking freakers!" "OUCH!" It was as close to crying as I had ever come while exercising. After that, I never wanted to exercise again. The first video was now too boring, and I couldn't do the second one. So I stopped. I know, that doesn't even make sense to me, as I sit here writing it.
So now, I've finished my Doritos and Mountain Dew and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to come up with next to lose weight. I have an iPod now, so I'm seriously considering taking up running again once it gets a little warmer out. And maybe the week after that I'll go on a low calorie diet...and the week after that, maybe an ab routine...and the week after that, how about a low sweets diet...and the week after that...